Let Go

English Version

Sometimes, in life we just learn how to get or achieve something. We will be satisfied if we can get something that we want. How about to let go?

Never crossed in my mind. Last year, exactly one year ago, I lost someone who was very important to me. My father passed away at the end of September 2022. How did it feel? It did feel like a dream.

Really? How could I continue my life without my father beside me?

It happened less than a month after I got married. My wedding was at September 03rd, 2022. My father was died at September 30th, 2022. Suddenly, the situation was changed.

That’s the reality. Before my father passed away, he gave me letter at my wedding day. It consisted of his wishes and his advice to me. During my father’s recovery at the hospital, he also gave me advice. At that time, I felt weird, but I ignored that. After he was discharged from hospital, he looked healthy. But, suddenly his condition was dropped again until he became unconscious.

To Give up or to Try?

At that time, we had two choices: to give up or try putting on ventilator in him.

And it turned to be his final day in this world. When he exhaled his last breath, we were all by his side. He was like waiting for me before he’s gone forever. I lost my father forever. If it was a dream, please wake me up.

I was speechless. The reality hit us hard. We was not given a chance to feel grief yet, but we had to do what we need to do.

Was It a Dream?

That night, I felt something really weird. Repeatedly, I asked my self.

Was it real?

The next morning, we went to the funeral house. We chose the room and the coffin for my father. I never thought I would face this kind of situation. Yeah, I know someday our parents will leave us, but I think everyone in this world would never be ready to face it.

The next thing was we watched our father’s body was bathed. The tears was rolling down. Prayers were chanted. Then, our father was put on suits and shoes. My father’s looked very handsome and calm. He was smiling, like no burden anymore. We were also relieved. My father already ready to enter the room at funeral house.

As the eldest daughter, I was the one who picked my father from the mortuary to the room. I downed on my knees and said to him,”Dad, let’s move to your new house.” After that, my father entered the room. My father was laid down inside the coffin. We prayed.

It reminded me of the essence of life.

As a human beings, we will get through the phase of our life. Birth. Old. Sick. Death.

The Reality

We prepared “the new house” for our father. The things he liked. The “provisions” for him, like clothes, shoes, his another favorite things. We also gave him a “motorbike”. He loved to ride with motorbike, even before his condition was dropped, he rode his favorite motorbike for the last time. We served his favorite food too.

At the third day, we all gathered to write letter from him. It’s undeniable that our tears was falling. All I could say on the letter was:

Thank you, Father for everything. We were really sorry for all mistakes that we did. We love you now and forever.

The next reality was harder. We needed to handle the death certificate of my father. I never thought of doing that kind of things. Right at that time, my father’s name was taken out from family card and his identity card was taken.

Malam Kembang

Malam kembang (in Bahasa) is the last night before deceased people was cremated or buried. It marks as closing the coffin.

It’s the time to close the coffin before my father was cremated tomorrow. We prayed first. The prayer took longer than previous days. We looked at into our father’s face. We thanked our father and asked for forgiveness. We lowered our face to see our father more closely. Only tears could speak. That was very the last time we saw our father before the coffin was closed. We won’t see his physical body again, but his soul is always in our heart forever.

This far, I still asked. Was it really happening?

The Cremation Day

The day was coming. At early morning, for the last time, we prayed before we went to the crematorium place. Again, as the eldest child, I became the one who was bringing my father’s photo to that place. I was sitting in the front of the hearse with my father at my back. During the journey, my prayer didn’t stop.

So, that was how it felt. The feeling of bringing the photo of our father while we know we wont see him anymore.

By the time we arrived, we prayed again for the last time before my father was entered the crematorium. After two or three hours, the cremation process was done. We entered the room. We looked at my father’s ashes. No more his physical body. Again, it felt like this.

It reminded me of where we come from.

Then, we did the final things. We floated father’s ashes into the river. We prayed for the last time for our father.

See You Again, Father

Dear Father, your tasks in this world had already done. Thank you for everything you had done for us. Thank you for taking care of us and becoming our role model. Thank you, Dad, we got a chance to devote to you until the very last time. What an amazing journey to accompany you at hospital, watch you’re bathed, cremated, until float your ashes.

Thank you, God, You made us met as father and daughter, the great father like him. Don’t you worry, Dad, we are strong. See you again, Dad in the next life.

Thank you to all family, friends, guest who were coming to see our father. Some people said to me,”You’re lucky. Your father was on your side when you got married.”

I think the hardest part was about letting go, but it’s not. It’s about the responsibility that we should take, especially to those who are still alive. We should continue to live our life as well as possible.

29th September, 2023